Social Anxiety

When I express to people that I have social anxiety and depression the response I usually get is, "You can't have those, you're so good with people." "You work as a waitress." or "But you're so friendly." Let me tell you, social anxiety doesn't express itself in those ways for me. I'm really good with people because I treat most of my encounters with people as I would a theatre performance. I can go through scripted conversations, at least on my side, really well. The second that I veer from that script of socially acceptable ways to talk is when I start to feel the normally low levels of anxiety triple. I almost feel as though I don't know how to interact with people in a genuine way. When I try I get into altercations with people. Take tonight, I was having a conversation with our head chef who had come in for drinks after work and he kept talking over me to make his point. I finally had had enough and I blew up at him. Now I'm laying here at almost one in the morning going over and over it in my head. I feel like I should apologize, but I also feel like that's how I needed to express myself since he was refusing to let me get my side out. I feel like, by apologizing, I'm giving in to his overbearing personality and allowing him to think that he was right to talk to me that way. I don't know what the right answer is, but I'm sure I'll be up most of the night trying to figure it out...

What to Wear to a Funeral

So a week ago one of my regular customers had a stroke, she lost the ability to speak, she passed away 2 days later on Friday of rodeo weekend.  She was 94, her name was Peggy and she drank more White Zinfindel than I've seen anyone do.  She ordered a glass everytime she came in.  She was big into social media, loved to golf and was still very active in the community.  Today was her funeral.  It was a great funeral full of people who loved her and music she loved.  I have a weird relationship with funerals.  I really don't agree with mourning those who have gone before us.  I was always taught that we should celebrate their lives.

I live in an agricultural community who are quite frugal and wouldn't own an outfit they could only wear a couple times a year to a funeral so you see all kinds of things at funerals around here.  Today I decided I should wear something Peggy would approve of and that would be comfortable, yet still appropriate, in the 94 degree heat.

I chose some awesome black and dark cornflower blue leggings from Target along with an awesome white embroidered button down top that has a knit back.  The knit back is essential when you are well endowed up top, it keeps things stretchy, but still looks polished.  I also wore my favorite black flats from Nuture, they are comfy and they stand up to the rugged terrain around here.  To round out my outfit, I wore some awesome Mother of Pearl wrapped earrings and a necklace made from old broaches that one of my other regulars gave me. And as usual I topped it off with my signature bright red lipstick.

 So, how do you feel about funerals, do you mourn or celebrate?  Do you ever think about how you want yours to go?

Half Marathon Recap

I know it's been almost 3 weeks, but I thought I would post a race recap none the less. I mean you need to remember your first half marathon somehow right? So the race that I decided to do was actually 3 races in 2 days, it's called the Hangover Half Challenge and it consists of a 5k beer run, a 5k at midnight to "Run in the New Year" and a half marathon on New Year's Day. I did this series with my friend Tiffany, who is crazier than I am and talked me into this. Back in the summer when I was starting to get into shape, she mentioned it and I thought it would be an awesome idea, the problem was that my training didn't go as planned and made for a difficult half marathon, but more on that in a bit. So the plan was to train for 12 weeks and be perfectly prepared. Well, summer through me a curve ball when the restaurant closed and I fell into a pretty deep depression. Even though I know that running/working out really help me to get out of that kind of slump its hard when you're in the thick of it to remember that, so one week turned into a month and I finally started training. Well, it was going great until one day I went to head out for a 5 miler when I tripped on an uneven patch of the side walk and ended up with road rash on both of my hands and down one arm. This was in the first mile, so I decided to try and finish anyway, I ended up heading home when blood started dripping down my arm and off of my fingers. This put me out of running and really any working out for about 3 weeks and I lost a lot of momentum. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up only having a long run of 7 miles going into the half marathon. The biggest problem was that it wasn't just a half marathon, it was almost 20 miles in less than 24 hours. So, it was quite an undertaking, but onto the individual races.

Leaving for the races, all bundled up

Pre-race Selfie for the Resolution Run

The first race was the Resolution Run in El Dorado, which is a beer race. Now, if you've never done a beer race before let me tell you, it's not a great idea if you're not a big drinker, also not so great if you're not used to drinking the beer they're serving. I didn't get sick from this, but we did skip the third and fourth beer stops. That's right, there were 5 be stops, including one at the beginning and one at the end. We had our first beer a good 15-20 min before we started the race so that one had time to settle. At this point, I should mention that they were serving Bud Light, which is by far one of my least favorite beers, but I drank it in the spirit of the event. So we get to the start line, and there were a good amount of people at this one, not sure of the amount, but more than the other 2 races. We positioned ourselves toward the back so as not to get separated by the bottleneck that forms as you go through the arch. It was gorgeous, we got to run through so beautiful neighborhoods and park land and it was right at sunset, so the vistas were amazing. We ran to the second beer stop and stopped to drink and then walked a bit. We made it to the third beer stop jogging at a slow enough pace that we could still talk, great conversation and no ice on the ground so it made for a nice run. We ran past the fourth beer stop and totally ignored that it was there, we got to the alley behind the civic building and I was thinking, "This has got to be 3 miles", but we still had a way to go. We got to the finish line and looked at the trackers on our phone and both said that it was 3.61 miles, A FULL HALF MILE EXTRA! Now this wouldn't be a huge deal if we were just running this race, but we still had 16.2 miles in front of us. I was more than a little annoyed, but really, there's nothing to be done about it. But, we had our last beer and enjoyed the very festive atmosphere in the parks building. Everyone was having a great time and it was an incredible end to the first race of the challenge.

Post Race Selfie after the Resolution Run

Pre Race Selfie for the Run in the New Year

Once we left El Dorado, we went to downtown Wichita to our hotel which was right next to the boathouse where the next 2 races started. The hotel could not have been more perfectly located. Once we got our stuff put away and had a chance to change we went to the brickyard area for dinner. We ended up at Public and had an awesome dinner of appetizers and drinks. After that, we were ready to go back to the hotel, but I'm thinking next year we need to stay out longer because it was hard to hang out in the hotel and not go to sleep. I have to mention that I am not an experienced cold weather runner and a midnight run by the river in December in Kansas is a cold run. So I loaded up with my fleece lined tights, long socks, running pants, running capris, bra, sports bra, running tank, t-shirt, thermal shirt, sweatshirt, wool cowl, gloves, and hat. That's a crap ton of clothes and I felt like the kid from A Christmas Story, but it kept me warm. Then we headed out across the courtyard to the Wichita Boathouse to start the "Run in the New Year". We took what had become our traditional pre-race selfie and headed out to the starting line. The race itself was great. It was a clear night, which means it was really cold, but the stars were amazing and the moon behind the buildings was awe inspiring. The run was on the river walk and so pretty, but I was super worried I was going to fall in the river. There was a bit of ice under the bridges and on some parts of the race, which was forced walking, I never did fall, which was nice. It wasn't a super eventful race, but an amazing way to ring in the new year. At midnight we could hear the fireworks and got to run over the bridge which was super sy

mbolic, running into the new year, leaving the old behind. We got through that one and went back to warm up, shower and sleep. I have never had a shower feel so good or a bed be so comfortable in my life.

Post Race Selfies after the Run in the New Year

Pre Run Selfie for the Hangover Half

So now we're on to the morning of the Hangover Half Marathon. I got ready in not quite as many clothes as the night before, but still quite a few pieces, thinking I would peel them off like I had in the 2 previous races. We started the morning with a much-needed cup of coffee, a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a Nuun in my water so that I could stay hydrated throughout the race. We headed out across the courtyard once again to the Boathouse to head out for the half marathon. At this point I started to get really nervous, could I really make it 13.1 miles? What if I didn't finish? What if I fell? But I fought through these thoughts, got my playlist ready, went pee and headed out with Tiffany to the start line. We had already agreed that we wouldn't try to stay together for the half like we had on the 5k's since I'm a much slower runner (and much more underprepared) than she is. The countdown started and we got ready, all in all, there were only about 200 people in this race, so the start line was much more sparse. We started the race together and I tried to keep a steady pace, but at about 3/4 of a mile, Tiff pulled ahead of me, as did quite a few other people. I didn't let this discourage me though, I knew this race didn't have a time limit and I also knew I could walk 13.1 miles so I kept that thought at the back of my mind. I tried to keep a run 5 min walk 5 min system up for the entire thing and I did pretty well. I was enjoying the sights, but trying to make it through the cold, I didn't know my muscles could feel so cold, I'm not sure if my sluggishness was due to the cold or the fact that I'd run 6.7 miles the night before, but I felt like my legs didn't want to work the way I was asking them to. I made it through the part of the course that we had done the night before, managed to avoid the ice and then realized that I was all by myself. I mean, it was New Years Day, there was no one out there and I was at the back of the pack. I had to tap into my California running experience to make sure I was hyper aware of my surroundings, I mean I've gotten used to running in a small rural town where I usually know someone close to the route I'm running or at least if I were to get injured I could call someone and tell them where I am. I don't know Wichita that well and I was a little worried, but I kept sight of some landmarks and tried to notice the names of the buildings around me in case something were to happen. I always run with my phone so that part wasn't a worry and my music kept me in an upbeat mood. I just kept on my 5min/5min system and enjoyed the scenery. Downtown Wichita really is beautiful, I would love to run this route again sometime in the spring or fall to see the trees fuller. I made it to the first water stop which was at about mile 3, I got some great encouragement from the volunteers there and it gave me a burst, plus I had my first Gu, so that helped. Then I started getting passed by people doing the loop for the second time, that felt weird, but at least, there were people. I just kept trucking saying hi to people, and keeping my 5/5 system, made it through the next water stop at mile 6, ate a Gu and was feeling pretty good. Then we got to the bridge to cross over at around mile 7 and a guy patted me on the shoulder and I just broke down, I'm not sure where the emotions came from, but a flood of tears came for about a quarter mile. I got to the spot where you would turn under the bridge to go to the finish line and the volunteer there told me that she would be there cheering me on when I got to the turn around to make it to the finish, that helped a lot! I just kept on, and once I passed that first water stop again I switched to 10 min running/5 min walking. As I got to the bridge to cross over to finish up to mile 12 when I would pass under the bridge on my way back a race volunteer came up to me on a Gator type vehicle and asked me if I needed anything, how I was doing and I think wanted to know if I was going to finish, though he never asked. It was at this point that I was the last runner in the race, which gave me the push I needed to finish strong. I kept on and at the last water stop the woman there stopped and gave me a hug and told me, "We're so proud of you, you're going to finish this race. We know your friends and family are proud of you too!" This was awesome, a random stranger hugging me and giving me encouragement, as I was getting ready to cross the bridge to the turn toward the finish line the race official told me how much of an inspiration I was, finishing strong. I made it to my friend the lady at the turnaround and she walked about a mile with me while I jogged, but as soon as I knew I was close I pushed it in high gear and gave it my all to finish the race RUNNING! Tiffany was there waiting for me, but not many other people, thankfully she was as they thought the people right in front of me were the last one. I finished 200th and it took me 3 hours and 41 min, but I finished. This is exactly how I wanted to start my year, ringing it in doing something I never thought I could and starting it with fitness. It was incredible, I have never felt so invincible. My goal for next year is to run the whole thing.

Post Race Selfie for the Hangover Half (notice how much more tired I look)

During the race, I was pretty sure I never wanted to run a half marathon again, but all of that changed the next Wednesday. I was sitting in the Algebra 2 class I'm a para for and all I could think about was what my next half was going to be, and how much better I can do the next time. So stay tuned, because apparently I've been bitten by the running bug.

Day 1

Today I started another 21 day fix. I have every intention of finishing this one, I have a half marathon on January 1, friends visiting from California in March and I've been feeling worse and worse about how I look lately. I thought that maybe sharing more about my journey this time would help me stick to it. I got my workout in this morning, which I'm very proud of and I joined my parents for a bulletproof coffee. I know this isn't totally 21dfx approved, but it makes for a good breakfast and it gives me a chance to spend some time with my parents.

For my morning snack I had a delicious pear, it was amazing and super juicy. For lunch I had a huge salad of greens, bell peppers, tomatoes and ground turkey. So nice to have fresh veggies at lunch.

When I got home I had a peanut butter chocolate shakeology shake with almond milk. Dinner was an affair of broccoli, asparagus and beef over brown rice with a dessert of fruit salad. It was a little difficult to eat with my furry dinner companion, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Today...

Today I weighed myself for the first time since my last post.

Today I had gained more weight than I have in a long time.

Today I had to pull out my work pants that are a size bigger so that I didn't look like a sausage.

Today I started a 21 day fix.

This time I am going in with the intention of continuing through the holidays. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. Of feeling like I'm not worth the work it will take to lose the weight. Of feeling ugly. I've decided that this time I'm not only going to document my weight losses and inches last, but I'm also going to document my emotions through this whole ordeal. So to start out, this morning I felt like crap, I was tired because of the amount of sugar I had this weekend, I felt like crap about myself after weighing and I really really didn't want to work out. My workout was really hard because I haven't been working out, I've been slacking on my health and I can feel it. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like I can't make it through a 30 min workout. But I did make it through and I'll continue on. 

One of the ladies I work with is also working on losing the same amount of weight and we've gotten really close and she's agreed to help me stay accountable if I help her. It's nice to have, since a lot of my triggers are at the school, mostly on the student store where they have unhealthy snacks and soda, stuff I'm trying to avoid. But I'm on my way and I'm not quitting!

3 Mother F'ing Pounds

When I woke up this morning I weighed myself and I was up 3 lbs.  3 LBS! How in the hell am I up 3 lbs from yesterday?  I've been sticking to plan so well this week and getting all my workouts in.  But 3 lbs?  Really? I know that I shouldn't weigh everyday and I shouldn't put so much stock into a number on a scale, but that seems like a big gain.  I've avoided soda and all drinks except tea, one cup of coffee and water alone.  I'm going to stay the course, but this is a very discouraging day.  I know it's a long term journey and I really need to get to where I only weigh once a week and that I'm ok with just making progress.  What other ways can I measure progress?  I know big things like changing sizes in clothing and being able to run further, but what about on a smaller scale?

What do you do to measure fitness progress?

Back in the saddle again

I was on track really well with my weight loss this summer.  I had the whole family doing the 21 Day Fix, I was getting all of my workouts in, my nutrition was on point and I was feeling awesome.

Then I had a bombshell dropped on me.  The 2 week break the restaurant I was working at was taking, was extended to 7 weeks (eventually they decided to close the restaurant all together).  This really threw a wrench into our finances, as in I now had no income for 2 months.  I took a job at another local restaurant just to help us financially, but it was much longer hours for much less pay.  They are very different types of restaurants, so tips weren't nearly as much at the second restaurant.  Add to all of this that the Monday after we got this pretty devastating news, we moved into a new house, a house that Steve hates, we're making it work now, but it was hard at first.

With all of these stressors, I completely fell off the wagon.  We had no internet for 3 days, which is a great excuse for not working out when your workouts are streamed.  I realized that my planned trip to Cali in November had to be cancelled as we wouldn't have the funds for it anymore, so there went my motivation.  I tried to start a few times, but I' was really struggling with depression and I couldn't pull myself out of it.  Depression is something I have struggled with most of my life.  I'm not big into pharmaceuticals, so the best way I've found for me to deal with it is diet and exercise

.  When I get out of the habit of eating well and exercising I enter a cycle that feeds into itself and I find myself feeding my mind with very negative thoughts.

I finally realized that I don't want to go into my 32nd year at the size I am now.  I also signed up to run a half marathon with my friend Tiffany on January 1.  So I started last Tuesday in earnest.  These last 2 weeks I have prepped my food for the week at the beginning.  Not just my meals, but my snacks and everything, except my Shakeology.  Last week I missed a couple workouts, but this week I've gotten them all in and started my running training back up.

I'm feeling much better, I can feel the fog of depression lifting and I'm getting back to feeling like me again.  I'm excited to see where I can push myself to in my fitness.  I've set up a system of rewards, all non food related, and I'm pumped to continue on my journey, I'll update as I move along this path.

Starting at the Beginning

Ok, so those of you that know me in real life know that often, when I say things they spark lyrics from a song in my head.  Well today was no exception, as I got ready to start the She Sweats 12 Week Transformation Program from He and She Eat Clean all I could think of was Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music.  But indeed the beginning is a very good place to start, I've gotten off track lately and let my health slip from my number 1 priority.  What I've realized is that weight loss is difficult for me because I am too ready to make excuses for why I don't need to stick to a healthy way of eating.  I've recently started a job at Ad Astra, and while the food is amazing, it's not super healthy for the most part, like most restaurants, I've eaten a meal from the restaurant after every shift and then eaten crap when I came home.  I'm going to have to exercise some self control if I want to lose weight and gain strength.  I'm sticking to the eating plan in the 12 Week Transformation program and I'm making a comitment to do the exercises as they are set forth.  Now that summer's here and school is out I can either spend my time working out or lazing around the house, and I would much rather work out and have something to show for my time off when school rolls back around.

Weigh In Wednesday - 2

So for my second installment of Weigh in Wednesday I'm happy to report that I had substantial weight loss this week.  I'm super excited about it and it totally validates my eating choices.  I did pretty well on sticking to plan this week except Saturday when we grabbed burgers and fries for lunch, but then we went on the 12 mile hike, so I feel like I worked it off.  Also, I know there are going to be times that this happens, I can't be perfect all the time.  So here's the update:

Weight:

• Starting Weight: 219.2 lbs
• Last Week's Weight: 219.2 lbs
• This Week's Weight: 213.8 lbs
• This Week's Change: 5.4 lbs
• Total Change: 5.4 lbs

Tasty Tuesday

So for my first Tasty Tuesday post I thought I'd point you in the direction of a blog I ready regularly, Naked Cuisine.  It's written by a very thoughtful woman named Chantelle from British Colombia and she consistently posts wonderful recipes.  But for this week I wanted to show you the version of her Sloppy Jane recipe that I made Saturday after our hike.   The only things I did differently were that I didn't top the yams with sugar, I didn't make the tortillas and I used salsa we already had.  These were amazing and really fit the bill of satisfying us after a longish hike.  I would highly recommend the recipe and I am now wanting to find more ways to incorporate molasses into my cooking.  Here's the pic of how my bowls turned out:

So much color and so many delicious delicious flavors combined!  I hope you enjoy her blog as much as I do!

Monday Motivation

So my motivation this week is me!  Steve and I went for a "small" hike on Saturday to see how far away the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve is from our house, as we want to do a huge hike this summer when the munchkin is out here.  I want to say that Steve and I manage to make hikes way bigger than they were originally intended .  Well, this little hike turned out to be 12 miles long round trip.  What is so motivational about it for me is that I wasn't winded, nor did my body get tired throughout the entire thing.  Last summer we did an 8 mile hike I was ready to lie down and sleep on the trail after 4 miles.  This time I was good to go, I know that my training has helped and it gives me the motivation to keep going so that we can go on longer and harder hikes!  It also let me get the "Trail Shoe" badge on my Fitbit for getting more than 30,000 steps.  Now to work on the next badge!

Here's some pictures of the beauty of spring here in the county as witnessed on our hike.

First Weigh In Wednesday

Ok, so we're hear for my first Weigh In Wednesday and I have to say I'm a little nervous to be putting my weight and measurements out there for the world to see, but if I'm not completely honest with you guys I can't be completely honest with myself.  So here goes:

Weight:

• Starting Weight: 219.2 lbs
• Last Week's Weight: N/A
• This Week's Weight: 219.2 lbs
• This Week's Change: 0 lbs
• Total Change: 0 lbs

Measurements:

	3/25/2015	Total Loss
Chest	44.5"	0"
Waist	39"	0"
Hip	49.25"	0"
Thigh	27.5"	0"
Upper Arm	16.25"	0"
Neck	14"	0"

Pictures:

Weight Loss, Paleo and Taking the blog in a new direction

As you may have guessed from the title of this post and the fact that I've changed the title of this blog, I've decided to take it in a new direction.  I want this to be a chronicle of my trials and (hopefully) successes to lose weight.  I figure that's what most of the posts on here are about any way and I really won't be sewing or knitting any clothing until after I've gotten some of my weight off.  I've decided to really make a lifestyle change as I've managed to try most diets and yo-yo my way back up way above where I want to be.  I am addicted to certain foods and I have a really hard time with self control when it comes to food, this is not a new thing for me.  As a high schooler I used to sneak across the street to my high school when my parents weren't home to buy junk food out of the vending machines since my parents would never have bought me that type of stuff as I struggled with my weight.  I need to address the issues I have with food, the emotional eating, the binging and the feeling that I really deserve to eat crap.  Well I don't, no one does, I shouldn't reward or punish myself with food.  I want to get to a point where I can enjoy my meals but still see them as a source of fuel.  I've debated whether or not to take the blog this direction but I think I need the accountability of having my journey detailed on the internet for anyone to read.

My plans are this: I want to commit to posting a weekly Wednesday Weigh In, Tasty Tuesday will be for recipes and Motivational Mondays for posts to keep us all going strong.  In conjunction with Wednesday Weigh In I will be posting my measurements monthly along with pictures to really track my progress.  My eating plan is going to be a pretty strict Paleo plan in which I cut out fruit and nuts.  Sugar is a big trigger food for me as are grains, so the Paleo without fruit or nuts (for a while) seems like the best option.  I'm also going to track my calories.  I know that this is not usually a part of a Paleo lifestyle, but I am the queen of rationalization so I can tell myself that I ate really well because I stuck to Paleo, when in reality I ate 2 cups of nuts and 3 cups of fruit, which, while not bad for you, are not great for weight loss.  I'm trying out a couple different apps right now, one being FitBit and the other being MyFitnessPal.  I'm not sure which I'll stick with, but I like that FitBit gives you a calorie deficit to try to hit instead of the calorie count that MyFitnessPal suggests.

I know I can't do this with diet alone so I am planning on some major changes to my sedentary lifestyle.  Steve and I are doing the Couch to 5k (C25k) plan, but we're using the RunDouble app.  I'm also starting the He and She Eat Clean 12 Week Transformation program in our home gym on Monday. It's going to take me a little longer than the 12 weeks since I am modifying the schedule to accommodate our running plan.  Once I'm done with the C25k plan I'm going to start the 5k to 10k plan.  I'm hoping to be able to run a half marathon summer of 2016 and I know that's a big goal, but I think I can do it.  I know this is going to be hard, I have a lot of weight to lose and I have some big fitness goals, but I also know that I'm a really strong person and as long as I keep accountable I can do anything I set my mind to.

So there it is.  I'm kicking my butt in gear and I'm not stopping until I hit that 150 mark.  It will be hard, it will suck at times, but I owe it to myself to stop abusing the body I have and start living the life I want to live.  Steve and I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail after the munchkin graduates high school in 6 years and I can't do that in my current condition.  Not to mention how sick I am of feeling like crap, battling depression, and being tired all the time.  So this is my manifesto of sorts and I hope you all will join me, or at least support me in my new direction.

Credit

Irish Soda Bread

We went to a St Pat's Day party this past Saturday and I decided to make my Grandma's Irish Soda Bread since my parents are out of town and my Mom wouldn't be making it.  This is the best recipe that I've tried for it and it's pretty simple to make, but it really does need to be made in a cast iron skillet to taste right, it gives the best crust to the bread.  I did make a couple substitutions as is the norm for my family.  Instead of sour cream I used vanilla Greek yogurt, instead of raisins or currants I used 1 cup of yellow raisins, 1 cup regular (purple?) and 1 cup of currants since we had them.  I also omitted the caraway seeds since my Grandma's original recipe noted that she left them out because she didn't have any.  With all that said here's the recipe:

IRISH SODA BREAD

PREP: 15 MINUTES

BAKING TIME: 60–65 MINUTES

OVEN TEMP: 350 DEGREE

SERVES –15

Ingredients:

4 CUPS FLOUR + 1 TABLESPOON FOR DUSTING

½ CUP SUGAR

2 TEASPOONS BAKING POWDER

1 TEASPOON SODA

¾ TEASPOON SALT

3 CUPS RAISONS

1 TABLESPOON CARAWAY SEEDS (OPTIONAL)

2 EGGS, LIGHTLY BEATEN

1 ¼ CUPS BUTTERMILK

1 CUP SOUR CREAM

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 350 degree. Grease a 9 inch cast-iron skillet or baking pan
2. Combine eggs, buttermilk and sour cream in a large bowl.
3. Combine 4 cups flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, raisins, and caraway seeds stir into wet ingredients just until flour is moistened.
4. Knead dough in bowl, about 10 strokes; dough will be very sticky! Shape into a ball; place in skillet. Cut a 4-inch “X” ¾-inch deep, across top of dough. Sprinkle with remaining tablespoon flour.
5. Bake in 350 Degree oven for 60-65 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center tests clean.  Cool in skillet 10 minutes.  Turn bread out onto wire rack to cool completely.

In the pan ready to bake with the deep X cut in the top.

Fresh from the oven!

Hard Day

I'm not sure what's making today so hard, but I feel like everything is a struggle today.  It started getting out of bed, it's just like I couldn't get the energy to manage it.  Then I got to school and it was like I couldn't stand to be there, it wasn't the kids or the fact that I was at work, it was just being somewhere and having to do something.  Then I got home and ended up making dinner and managing to both burn and undercook the chicken.  It's like I just can't manage to grasp anything correctly today.  I just feel like I don't have control of what I'm doing right now and then I managed to upset Steve because I was upset because of the chicken.  I'm just feeling like I can't even do the things I know I'm good at.  Maybe a night at home and a good movie will make me feel better.  Hopefully...

Halloween

So I've been in a little bit of a funk lately and I was having a hard time figuring out why.  I mean everything is going pretty darn well, nothing too much to complain about.  I finally figured it out today, I've been having an issue with Halloween.  Not with the holiday itself, but with my relationship to it. You see, Halloween has long been my favorite holiday, I decorate every year and I always dress up.  But this year as I pulled out the decorations a sense of dread came over me, I couldn't explain it.  Then it hit me this morning!  As I was contemplating dressing up (this is really late for me to get on the costuming), I realized that thanks to being laid off on Halloween last year I now associate Halloween with that.  Thanks a lot!  So I'm going to do what I can this Halloween to overcome those feelings, it starts with the fact that I have Halloween off, so that's a good start to the day.  Then I am going to make pumpkin lattes and pumpkin pancakes for breakfast.  I'm going to dress up, it won't be the most elaborate of costumes, but I think I can pull something fun off!  Also, we have some friend's coming over to hang out while we pass out candy, so you can't go wrong there.  Lastly, I plan on watching my favorite Halloween movies all week, Hocus Pocus, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, Sweeny Todd, Corpse Bride and my all time most favorite movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas!

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we can't let other people tell us how we're going to feel about things.  We need to find the things we once found appealing and exploit the crap out of those so that we can overcome the bad stigma events or people had attached to those things we once loved.  And just for a little fun, here's some pictures of my Bearded Lady Costume from last year!


Here i am with my Knitches, whom I miss dearly!


And a close of of the magnificence of the hand knit beard!

Lastly, here's Steve and I at Comikaze last year where he went as Jayne Cobb/Wolverene and I went as Raphael:

2 months later

Here I am, 2 months later and I was going to start off with an apology for being gone for so long, but the truth is, I've started a few posts recently, but none of them felt sincere enough.  Most of them were about my journey on Ideal Protein, but the truth is,I've hated this process and it's been really hard.  I didn't want to write that, I wanted to write about recipes and my great weight loss, which it has been great, but I wasn't excited about it at all.  I know that comes through in my writing so I didn't want to subject you all to that.  The truth is that I've been somewhat depressed the last little while.  I was having a really hard time finding a job, but now it looks like I'm in the clear for that, we'll find out later this week.  I also really underestimated how different it would be moving to a small area.  I've felt very isolated recently, but I think a lot of that has to do with this diet also.  I mean, it's hard to want to hang out with people when you can't drink, can't eat the food everyone else is eating and are tired all the time.  I'm sorry that this is turning into a bit of a whiny post, but I've decided that instead of trying to have posts about a specific part of my life I'd rather have honest posts about what's going on and how I'm feeling about everything.

I'm down almost 40 lbs and 2 sizes and yet I don't feel much better about how I look or feel.  Usually at this point in my weight loss I have way more energy, I'm able to run faster, jump higher and all that, but on Ideal Protein I'm not.  If I do more than just a normal days worth of activity I'm beat for about 2 days.  I feel like I could sleep all the time and I'm super sick of it.  I'm done with this diet at the end of August so only 13 days to go, but man am I ready for it to be over!  This has been an incredibly long 3 months and I feel bad that we were on this diet for the entire time Chris was here, hopefully next summer we'll be more fun!  I think I'm going to sign off now, but I'm vowing to post more often, whatever it's about, and to post more pictures.

Ideal Protein Week 2

So I've made it through the first 2 weeks of Ideal protein.  I'm down 11.3 lbs and that feels amazing.  I'm also down 1.25" in my chest, and 1" in my waist so I'm not complaining about that!  It hasn't been too hard to stick to, but I think it helps that my Mom, Dad and Steve are all doing this diet as well.  Breakfasts have basically been some kind of drink, vanilla, cappuccino, orange, that kind of thing, we've been trying to switch up lunch a bit,  the pasta isn't bad with one of the soups used as a sauce, and the "chicken patty" isn't too bad over salad, but our favorite lunch has been the chili. When I make it I add lots of zucchini, cabbage and raw onion to it and then we stir in some salsa to add some heat, delicious!  The thing that has kept me going through this all is the dinners, my Mom and I have been able to get really inventive with the dinners, stir fries, soups, big salads, below are a couple pics of the things we've been enjoying.






The munchkin comes in today at 2:30, and I can't wait, it will be so awesome having him here this summer!  I think that's it for me for now.

Ideal Protein

So I've been gone for a while.  The job I started shortly after moving here didn't work out.  I was working way too many hours and I was super stressed, sounds like when we lived in Cali.  The difference here is that I don't need to work that many hours to survive, so I quit.  It's given me a great chance to help my Mom out with some things and we're looking at starting a business locally together.  I love that we live in a place now where that is a viable option and not something to add on top of working a million hours a week.  I'll keep you all updated on all of that as it progresses.

Those of you who have known me for any length of time, or read the blog for any length of time, know that I have struggled with my weight and consequently my body image for the majority of my life.  I was always a somewhat chubby kid and that just continued to progress as I got older until, at the biggest of my life, I weighed 260 lbs.  I was wearing a size 22-24 and I was very unhappy.  I managed to take and keep off 25 lbs since December of 2011 when I had to make a decision before I ended up not being able to walk up the 3 flights to my office at that time.  I'm proud of the fact that I've kept that weight off, but the fact of the matter is that I'm still about 100 lbs overweight.  That's nothing to sneeze at kids, that's pretty major.  Over a lifetime of dieting I've realized a few things about myself:
1. I have minimal self control abilities which has a lot to do with:
2. I have amazing rationalization capabilities, this is why things like Weight Watchers don't work well for me long term, if I have points left at the end of the day I would be just as likely to eat something healthy like popcorn as I was to eat a snickers bar.
3. I am somewhat impatient with diet results, this is why juicing was so appealing to me, but that's not a good long term diet for me.
4. I do really well with regimented eating plans, like juicing, Jenny Craig, that type of thing.

All of this came into play when my cousin, who's husband is a chiropractor and struggles with weight as well, mentioned the Ideal Protein diet to my Mom and I.  Now, I'm not one who normally gets behind diets where you have to eat a lot of processed food, but after talking to my cousin, who feels the same way, I felt a lot better about the ingredients and the fact that they have you take lots of supplements and you eat 4 cups of veggies a day and as much lettuce as you want.  So that brings us to bringing this up to Steve and my Dad, who were both on board and we started today.  It's a different experience, but a good one all in all.

About the food, it feels a little bit like when you were a kid and you'd go to the space center and get astronaut food.  It all comes in little metallic bags which you open up and either mix with cold water or boil or mix with cold water and then heat.  You do get 2 cups of veg with lunch and 2 cups with dinner along with 6-8 oz of animal protein.  The food isn't amazing, except of course for the veg, but I'm using this as more of a type of medicine rather than a lifestyle, which it isn't meant to be.  Once I get down to my goal weight I'll reintroduce complex carbs to take my body out of ketosis, and at that point I'm thinking I'll want to do a clean eating diet.  We'll see.  I'm hoping to update everyone on my progress and to that end here are some before pics, not the prettiest pics I've ever taken but I'd really like to be able to see the difference as I go along, I find that's a huge help for me.

Snow day

Well I'm home today, I had to cover someone's shift last night so I only worked a half day today. It's been nice too, there's some major snow coming down and I'm hanging out with my parents and their wood burning stove helping my mom do some organizing.

In other news, we found a super cute house to rent while we look for a house to buy. It's a 2 bedroom 1 bath house right off of Broadway which is the main street in Cottonwood Falls. I have a job as a dietary manager at a retirement home and I'm really enjoying it, we're a little under staffed at the moment, but we're working to fix that.

Steve's here now and that's made a huge difference, man I was missing him. I've also started a knitting group, I'm teaching 5 women to knit and there is one lady who comes who already knew how to knit and that's been great too. I'm about 45% done with my January sweater from Elizabeth Zimmerman's Knitters Almanac, my goal is to knit my way through it this year and so far I'm a little behind, but not too bad. That's it for now, time for a nice warm lunch.