Social Anxiety

When I express to people that I have social anxiety and depression the response I usually get is, "You can't have those, you're so good with people." "You work as a waitress." or "But you're so friendly." Let me tell you, social anxiety doesn't express itself in those ways for me. I'm really good with people because I treat most of my encounters with people as I would a theatre performance. I can go through scripted conversations, at least on my side, really well. The second that I veer from that script of socially acceptable ways to talk is when I start to feel the normally low levels of anxiety triple. I almost feel as though I don't know how to interact with people in a genuine way. When I try I get into altercations with people. Take tonight, I was having a conversation with our head chef who had come in for drinks after work and he kept talking over me to make his point. I finally had had enough and I blew up at him. Now I'm laying here at almost one in the morning going over and over it in my head. I feel like I should apologize, but I also feel like that's how I needed to express myself since he was refusing to let me get my side out. I feel like, by apologizing, I'm giving in to his overbearing personality and allowing him to think that he was right to talk to me that way. I don't know what the right answer is, but I'm sure I'll be up most of the night trying to figure it out...

What to Wear to a Funeral

So a week ago one of my regular customers had a stroke, she lost the ability to speak, she passed away 2 days later on Friday of rodeo weekend.  She was 94, her name was Peggy and she drank more White Zinfindel than I've seen anyone do.  She ordered a glass everytime she came in.  She was big into social media, loved to golf and was still very active in the community.  Today was her funeral.  It was a great funeral full of people who loved her and music she loved.  I have a weird relationship with funerals.  I really don't agree with mourning those who have gone before us.  I was always taught that we should celebrate their lives.

I live in an agricultural community who are quite frugal and wouldn't own an outfit they could only wear a couple times a year to a funeral so you see all kinds of things at funerals around here.  Today I decided I should wear something Peggy would approve of and that would be comfortable, yet still appropriate, in the 94 degree heat.

I chose some awesome black and dark cornflower blue leggings from Target along with an awesome white embroidered button down top that has a knit back.  The knit back is essential when you are well endowed up top, it keeps things stretchy, but still looks polished.  I also wore my favorite black flats from Nuture, they are comfy and they stand up to the rugged terrain around here.  To round out my outfit, I wore some awesome Mother of Pearl wrapped earrings and a necklace made from old broaches that one of my other regulars gave me. And as usual I topped it off with my signature bright red lipstick.

 So, how do you feel about funerals, do you mourn or celebrate?  Do you ever think about how you want yours to go?

Half Marathon Recap

I know it's been almost 3 weeks, but I thought I would post a race recap none the less. I mean you need to remember your first half marathon somehow right? So the race that I decided to do was actually 3 races in 2 days, it's called the Hangover Half Challenge and it consists of a 5k beer run, a 5k at midnight to "Run in the New Year" and a half marathon on New Year's Day. I did this series with my friend Tiffany, who is crazier than I am and talked me into this. Back in the summer when I was starting to get into shape, she mentioned it and I thought it would be an awesome idea, the problem was that my training didn't go as planned and made for a difficult half marathon, but more on that in a bit. So the plan was to train for 12 weeks and be perfectly prepared. Well, summer through me a curve ball when the restaurant closed and I fell into a pretty deep depression. Even though I know that running/working out really help me to get out of that kind of slump its hard when you're in the thick of it to remember that, so one week turned into a month and I finally started training. Well, it was going great until one day I went to head out for a 5 miler when I tripped on an uneven patch of the side walk and ended up with road rash on both of my hands and down one arm. This was in the first mile, so I decided to try and finish anyway, I ended up heading home when blood started dripping down my arm and off of my fingers. This put me out of running and really any working out for about 3 weeks and I lost a lot of momentum. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up only having a long run of 7 miles going into the half marathon. The biggest problem was that it wasn't just a half marathon, it was almost 20 miles in less than 24 hours. So, it was quite an undertaking, but onto the individual races.

Leaving for the races, all bundled up

Pre-race Selfie for the Resolution Run

The first race was the Resolution Run in El Dorado, which is a beer race. Now, if you've never done a beer race before let me tell you, it's not a great idea if you're not a big drinker, also not so great if you're not used to drinking the beer they're serving. I didn't get sick from this, but we did skip the third and fourth beer stops. That's right, there were 5 be stops, including one at the beginning and one at the end. We had our first beer a good 15-20 min before we started the race so that one had time to settle. At this point, I should mention that they were serving Bud Light, which is by far one of my least favorite beers, but I drank it in the spirit of the event. So we get to the start line, and there were a good amount of people at this one, not sure of the amount, but more than the other 2 races. We positioned ourselves toward the back so as not to get separated by the bottleneck that forms as you go through the arch. It was gorgeous, we got to run through so beautiful neighborhoods and park land and it was right at sunset, so the vistas were amazing. We ran to the second beer stop and stopped to drink and then walked a bit. We made it to the third beer stop jogging at a slow enough pace that we could still talk, great conversation and no ice on the ground so it made for a nice run. We ran past the fourth beer stop and totally ignored that it was there, we got to the alley behind the civic building and I was thinking, "This has got to be 3 miles", but we still had a way to go. We got to the finish line and looked at the trackers on our phone and both said that it was 3.61 miles, A FULL HALF MILE EXTRA! Now this wouldn't be a huge deal if we were just running this race, but we still had 16.2 miles in front of us. I was more than a little annoyed, but really, there's nothing to be done about it. But, we had our last beer and enjoyed the very festive atmosphere in the parks building. Everyone was having a great time and it was an incredible end to the first race of the challenge.

Post Race Selfie after the Resolution Run

Pre Race Selfie for the Run in the New Year

Once we left El Dorado, we went to downtown Wichita to our hotel which was right next to the boathouse where the next 2 races started. The hotel could not have been more perfectly located. Once we got our stuff put away and had a chance to change we went to the brickyard area for dinner. We ended up at Public and had an awesome dinner of appetizers and drinks. After that, we were ready to go back to the hotel, but I'm thinking next year we need to stay out longer because it was hard to hang out in the hotel and not go to sleep. I have to mention that I am not an experienced cold weather runner and a midnight run by the river in December in Kansas is a cold run. So I loaded up with my fleece lined tights, long socks, running pants, running capris, bra, sports bra, running tank, t-shirt, thermal shirt, sweatshirt, wool cowl, gloves, and hat. That's a crap ton of clothes and I felt like the kid from A Christmas Story, but it kept me warm. Then we headed out across the courtyard to the Wichita Boathouse to start the "Run in the New Year". We took what had become our traditional pre-race selfie and headed out to the starting line. The race itself was great. It was a clear night, which means it was really cold, but the stars were amazing and the moon behind the buildings was awe inspiring. The run was on the river walk and so pretty, but I was super worried I was going to fall in the river. There was a bit of ice under the bridges and on some parts of the race, which was forced walking, I never did fall, which was nice. It wasn't a super eventful race, but an amazing way to ring in the new year. At midnight we could hear the fireworks and got to run over the bridge which was super sy

mbolic, running into the new year, leaving the old behind. We got through that one and went back to warm up, shower and sleep. I have never had a shower feel so good or a bed be so comfortable in my life.

Post Race Selfies after the Run in the New Year

Pre Run Selfie for the Hangover Half

So now we're on to the morning of the Hangover Half Marathon. I got ready in not quite as many clothes as the night before, but still quite a few pieces, thinking I would peel them off like I had in the 2 previous races. We started the morning with a much-needed cup of coffee, a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a Nuun in my water so that I could stay hydrated throughout the race. We headed out across the courtyard once again to the Boathouse to head out for the half marathon. At this point I started to get really nervous, could I really make it 13.1 miles? What if I didn't finish? What if I fell? But I fought through these thoughts, got my playlist ready, went pee and headed out with Tiffany to the start line. We had already agreed that we wouldn't try to stay together for the half like we had on the 5k's since I'm a much slower runner (and much more underprepared) than she is. The countdown started and we got ready, all in all, there were only about 200 people in this race, so the start line was much more sparse. We started the race together and I tried to keep a steady pace, but at about 3/4 of a mile, Tiff pulled ahead of me, as did quite a few other people. I didn't let this discourage me though, I knew this race didn't have a time limit and I also knew I could walk 13.1 miles so I kept that thought at the back of my mind. I tried to keep a run 5 min walk 5 min system up for the entire thing and I did pretty well. I was enjoying the sights, but trying to make it through the cold, I didn't know my muscles could feel so cold, I'm not sure if my sluggishness was due to the cold or the fact that I'd run 6.7 miles the night before, but I felt like my legs didn't want to work the way I was asking them to. I made it through the part of the course that we had done the night before, managed to avoid the ice and then realized that I was all by myself. I mean, it was New Years Day, there was no one out there and I was at the back of the pack. I had to tap into my California running experience to make sure I was hyper aware of my surroundings, I mean I've gotten used to running in a small rural town where I usually know someone close to the route I'm running or at least if I were to get injured I could call someone and tell them where I am. I don't know Wichita that well and I was a little worried, but I kept sight of some landmarks and tried to notice the names of the buildings around me in case something were to happen. I always run with my phone so that part wasn't a worry and my music kept me in an upbeat mood. I just kept on my 5min/5min system and enjoyed the scenery. Downtown Wichita really is beautiful, I would love to run this route again sometime in the spring or fall to see the trees fuller. I made it to the first water stop which was at about mile 3, I got some great encouragement from the volunteers there and it gave me a burst, plus I had my first Gu, so that helped. Then I started getting passed by people doing the loop for the second time, that felt weird, but at least, there were people. I just kept trucking saying hi to people, and keeping my 5/5 system, made it through the next water stop at mile 6, ate a Gu and was feeling pretty good. Then we got to the bridge to cross over at around mile 7 and a guy patted me on the shoulder and I just broke down, I'm not sure where the emotions came from, but a flood of tears came for about a quarter mile. I got to the spot where you would turn under the bridge to go to the finish line and the volunteer there told me that she would be there cheering me on when I got to the turn around to make it to the finish, that helped a lot! I just kept on, and once I passed that first water stop again I switched to 10 min running/5 min walking. As I got to the bridge to cross over to finish up to mile 12 when I would pass under the bridge on my way back a race volunteer came up to me on a Gator type vehicle and asked me if I needed anything, how I was doing and I think wanted to know if I was going to finish, though he never asked. It was at this point that I was the last runner in the race, which gave me the push I needed to finish strong. I kept on and at the last water stop the woman there stopped and gave me a hug and told me, "We're so proud of you, you're going to finish this race. We know your friends and family are proud of you too!" This was awesome, a random stranger hugging me and giving me encouragement, as I was getting ready to cross the bridge to the turn toward the finish line the race official told me how much of an inspiration I was, finishing strong. I made it to my friend the lady at the turnaround and she walked about a mile with me while I jogged, but as soon as I knew I was close I pushed it in high gear and gave it my all to finish the race RUNNING! Tiffany was there waiting for me, but not many other people, thankfully she was as they thought the people right in front of me were the last one. I finished 200th and it took me 3 hours and 41 min, but I finished. This is exactly how I wanted to start my year, ringing it in doing something I never thought I could and starting it with fitness. It was incredible, I have never felt so invincible. My goal for next year is to run the whole thing.

Post Race Selfie for the Hangover Half (notice how much more tired I look)

During the race, I was pretty sure I never wanted to run a half marathon again, but all of that changed the next Wednesday. I was sitting in the Algebra 2 class I'm a para for and all I could think about was what my next half was going to be, and how much better I can do the next time. So stay tuned, because apparently I've been bitten by the running bug.

Day 1

Today I started another 21 day fix. I have every intention of finishing this one, I have a half marathon on January 1, friends visiting from California in March and I've been feeling worse and worse about how I look lately. I thought that maybe sharing more about my journey this time would help me stick to it. I got my workout in this morning, which I'm very proud of and I joined my parents for a bulletproof coffee. I know this isn't totally 21dfx approved, but it makes for a good breakfast and it gives me a chance to spend some time with my parents.

For my morning snack I had a delicious pear, it was amazing and super juicy. For lunch I had a huge salad of greens, bell peppers, tomatoes and ground turkey. So nice to have fresh veggies at lunch.

When I got home I had a peanut butter chocolate shakeology shake with almond milk. Dinner was an affair of broccoli, asparagus and beef over brown rice with a dessert of fruit salad. It was a little difficult to eat with my furry dinner companion, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Today...

Today I weighed myself for the first time since my last post.

Today I had gained more weight than I have in a long time.

Today I had to pull out my work pants that are a size bigger so that I didn't look like a sausage.

Today I started a 21 day fix.

This time I am going in with the intention of continuing through the holidays. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. Of feeling like I'm not worth the work it will take to lose the weight. Of feeling ugly. I've decided that this time I'm not only going to document my weight losses and inches last, but I'm also going to document my emotions through this whole ordeal. So to start out, this morning I felt like crap, I was tired because of the amount of sugar I had this weekend, I felt like crap about myself after weighing and I really really didn't want to work out. My workout was really hard because I haven't been working out, I've been slacking on my health and I can feel it. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like I can't make it through a 30 min workout. But I did make it through and I'll continue on. 

One of the ladies I work with is also working on losing the same amount of weight and we've gotten really close and she's agreed to help me stay accountable if I help her. It's nice to have, since a lot of my triggers are at the school, mostly on the student store where they have unhealthy snacks and soda, stuff I'm trying to avoid. But I'm on my way and I'm not quitting!

3 Mother F'ing Pounds

When I woke up this morning I weighed myself and I was up 3 lbs.  3 LBS! How in the hell am I up 3 lbs from yesterday?  I've been sticking to plan so well this week and getting all my workouts in.  But 3 lbs?  Really? I know that I shouldn't weigh everyday and I shouldn't put so much stock into a number on a scale, but that seems like a big gain.  I've avoided soda and all drinks except tea, one cup of coffee and water alone.  I'm going to stay the course, but this is a very discouraging day.  I know it's a long term journey and I really need to get to where I only weigh once a week and that I'm ok with just making progress.  What other ways can I measure progress?  I know big things like changing sizes in clothing and being able to run further, but what about on a smaller scale?

What do you do to measure fitness progress?

Back in the saddle again

I was on track really well with my weight loss this summer.  I had the whole family doing the 21 Day Fix, I was getting all of my workouts in, my nutrition was on point and I was feeling awesome.

Then I had a bombshell dropped on me.  The 2 week break the restaurant I was working at was taking, was extended to 7 weeks (eventually they decided to close the restaurant all together).  This really threw a wrench into our finances, as in I now had no income for 2 months.  I took a job at another local restaurant just to help us financially, but it was much longer hours for much less pay.  They are very different types of restaurants, so tips weren't nearly as much at the second restaurant.  Add to all of this that the Monday after we got this pretty devastating news, we moved into a new house, a house that Steve hates, we're making it work now, but it was hard at first.

With all of these stressors, I completely fell off the wagon.  We had no internet for 3 days, which is a great excuse for not working out when your workouts are streamed.  I realized that my planned trip to Cali in November had to be cancelled as we wouldn't have the funds for it anymore, so there went my motivation.  I tried to start a few times, but I' was really struggling with depression and I couldn't pull myself out of it.  Depression is something I have struggled with most of my life.  I'm not big into pharmaceuticals, so the best way I've found for me to deal with it is diet and exercise

.  When I get out of the habit of eating well and exercising I enter a cycle that feeds into itself and I find myself feeding my mind with very negative thoughts.

I finally realized that I don't want to go into my 32nd year at the size I am now.  I also signed up to run a half marathon with my friend Tiffany on January 1.  So I started last Tuesday in earnest.  These last 2 weeks I have prepped my food for the week at the beginning.  Not just my meals, but my snacks and everything, except my Shakeology.  Last week I missed a couple workouts, but this week I've gotten them all in and started my running training back up.

I'm feeling much better, I can feel the fog of depression lifting and I'm getting back to feeling like me again.  I'm excited to see where I can push myself to in my fitness.  I've set up a system of rewards, all non food related, and I'm pumped to continue on my journey, I'll update as I move along this path.