When I express to people that I have social anxiety and depression the response I usually get is, "You can't have those, you're so good with people." "You work as a waitress." or "But you're so friendly." Let me tell you, social anxiety doesn't express itself in those ways for me. I'm really good with people because I treat most of my encounters with people as I would a theatre performance. I can go through scripted conversations, at least on my side, really well. The second that I veer from that script of socially acceptable ways to talk is when I start to feel the normally low levels of anxiety triple. I almost feel as though I don't know how to interact with people in a genuine way. When I try I get into altercations with people. Take tonight, I was having a conversation with our head chef who had come in for drinks after work and he kept talking over me to make his point. I finally had had enough and I blew up at him. Now I'm laying here at almost one in the morning going over and over it in my head. I feel like I should apologize, but I also feel like that's how I needed to express myself since he was refusing to let me get my side out. I feel like, by apologizing, I'm giving in to his overbearing personality and allowing him to think that he was right to talk to me that way. I don't know what the right answer is, but I'm sure I'll be up most of the night trying to figure it out...
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
I live in an agricultural community who are quite frugal and wouldn't own an outfit they could only wear a couple times a year to a funeral so you see all kinds of things at funerals around here. Today I decided I should wear something Peggy would approve of and that would be comfortable, yet still appropriate, in the 94 degree heat.
I chose some awesome black and dark cornflower blue leggings from Target along with an awesome white embroidered button down top that has a knit back. The knit back is essential when you are well endowed up top, it keeps things stretchy, but still looks polished. I also wore my favorite black flats from Nuture, they are comfy and they stand up to the rugged terrain around here. To round out my outfit, I wore some awesome Mother of Pearl wrapped earrings and a necklace made from old broaches that one of my other regulars gave me. And as usual I topped it off with my signature bright red lipstick.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
mbolic, running into the new year, leaving the old behind. We got through that one and went back to warm up, shower and sleep. I have never had a shower feel so good or a bed be so comfortable in my life.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Today I started another 21 day fix. I have every intention of finishing this one, I have a half marathon on January 1, friends visiting from California in March and I've been feeling worse and worse about how I look lately. I thought that maybe sharing more about my journey this time would help me stick to it. I got my workout in this morning, which I'm very proud of and I joined my parents for a bulletproof coffee. I know this isn't totally 21dfx approved, but it makes for a good breakfast and it gives me a chance to spend some time with my parents.
For my morning snack I had a delicious pear, it was amazing and super juicy. For lunch I had a huge salad of greens, bell peppers, tomatoes and ground turkey. So nice to have fresh veggies at lunch.
When I got home I had a peanut butter chocolate shakeology shake with almond milk. Dinner was an affair of broccoli, asparagus and beef over brown rice with a dessert of fruit salad. It was a little difficult to eat with my furry dinner companion, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Today I weighed myself for the first time since my last post.
Today I had gained more weight than I have in a long time.
Today I had to pull out my work pants that are a size bigger so that I didn't look like a sausage.
Today I started a 21 day fix.
This time I am going in with the intention of continuing through the holidays. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. Of feeling like I'm not worth the work it will take to lose the weight. Of feeling ugly. I've decided that this time I'm not only going to document my weight losses and inches last, but I'm also going to document my emotions through this whole ordeal. So to start out, this morning I felt like crap, I was tired because of the amount of sugar I had this weekend, I felt like crap about myself after weighing and I really really didn't want to work out. My workout was really hard because I haven't been working out, I've been slacking on my health and I can feel it. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like I can't make it through a 30 min workout. But I did make it through and I'll continue on.
One of the ladies I work with is also working on losing the same amount of weight and we've gotten really close and she's agreed to help me stay accountable if I help her. It's nice to have, since a lot of my triggers are at the school, mostly on the student store where they have unhealthy snacks and soda, stuff I'm trying to avoid. But I'm on my way and I'm not quitting!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
. When I get out of the habit of eating well and exercising I enter a cycle that feeds into itself and I find myself feeding my mind with very negative thoughts.
I finally realized that I don't want to go into my 32nd year at the size I am now. I also signed up to run a half marathon with my friend Tiffany on January 1. So I started last Tuesday in earnest. These last 2 weeks I have prepped my food for the week at the beginning. Not just my meals, but my snacks and everything, except my Shakeology. Last week I missed a couple workouts, but this week I've gotten them all in and started my running training back up.